- Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal?
Because he would have to convert.
- Why do plants hate math?
It gives them square roots.
- Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a mean thing to say!
- Why was the math book depressed?
It had a lot of problems.
- Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated?
Because it is never right.
- Why can you never trust a math teacher holding graphing paper?
They must be plotting something.
- Why was the equal sign so humble?
Because she knew she wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.
- What do you call the number 7 and the number 3 when they go out on a date?
The odd couple (but 7 is in her prime).
- What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place?
A Roamin’ numeral.
- Did you hear the one about the statistician?
- What do you call dudes who love math?
- I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig. I’ll even do statistics.
But graphing is where I draw the line!
- Why should you never talk to Pi?
Because she’ll go on and on and on forever.
- Why are parallel lines so tragic if they have so much in common?
It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
- Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
- What’s the best way to flirt with a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
- Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
They’d stop at nothing to avoid them.
- How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
- Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
- Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
- Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point.
- Dear Algebra, stop trying to find your X.
They’re never coming back — don’t ask Y.
- Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?
Student: You told me not to use tables.
- After a sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
- There are three kinds of people in the world:
Those who can count and those who can’t.
- Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s “two” gross.
- What do you call a man who spent all summer at the beach?
A tangent. (A tan gent.)
- What do baby parabolas drink?
- My girlfriend is the square root of –100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
- What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
- Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was 3 feet deep, on average.
- How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
- The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.
But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.
- Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
A: To get to the same side.
- An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.
Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc., extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.
Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, “Ah, a solution exists!” and then goes back to bed.
- There are three people applying for the same job at a bank: a mathematician, a statistician, and an accountant.
The interviewing committee asks the mathematician one question: What is 500 plus 500? The mathematician answers “1,000” without hesitation, and they send him along. Next, they call in the statistician and ask the same question. He thinks for a moment and answers “1,000… I’m 95 percent confident.” When the accountant comes in, he is asked the same question: “What is 500 + 500?” He bows and replies, “What would you like it to be?”
They hire the accountant.